Listen to Your Inner Child
This is a simplified version of a tool I use from John Bradshaw's book Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. I've been putting this into practice for about fifteen years, and find it particularly helpful when I'm "stuck" or having a difficult time understanding my emotions, or reactions. Here are the steps:
1. Find a safe, quiet place, free from distractions, and take a pen, pencil or crayon and paper.
2. Think about the person or problem that is troubling you.
3. Imagine yourself as a young child. Try to choose a specific age, around 5or 6, for example. Any age you choose. Invite her (or him) to climb into your lap. Now begin with a question.
4. Using your dominant hand (the one you always use to write) write the question, "What are you feeling toward ___________?" OR "Why are you angry with ____________?"
5. Using your non-dominant hand, write an answer. (This gets messy. Doesn't matter. You don't have to be able to read it, and no one else is going to see it.)
6. Using your dominant hand, write a response. Ask another question. Continue until you feel you've heard what you need to hear, and then write an affirmation.
I used this tool this morning, because I've been having feelings of anger and resentment toward a close friend of mine for quite some time. I kept feeling that it had to be about something other than her behavior, because it never seemed to be clean anger, or clear emotion. It always felt confusing. Here's my inner child exchange (inner child in bold):
Why are you so mad at your friend?
She ignores me. She doesn't think about me or about what I need.
That reminds me of what your mother used to think about you.
And she likes everybody else better. She thinks I don't understand things. She has to hide from me because I judge her and am mean to her.
Why do you want to be mean to her?
She's bad and I have to be good.
Do you know that I love you even if you aren't good? I love you and you do not have to be good. I love you because you are you.
I know. But she doesn't.
What do you need?
I need to play. I need a home. I need beauty.
What does your friend need?
Love, love, love.
Do you love her?
No. I use her to make me feel better.
Can you think of a way to make yourself feel better?
I want her to need me.
What if I told you she does need you?
But she runs away.
Because she needs you. That's why. She needs your love. Do you know why she runs away?
Shame. She knows I don't love her. It hurts her.
Oh. How does that feel?
Sad. I am so sorry. I need to forgive her. I need to ask her to forgive me. I have to stop talking mean about her.
Yes, you do.
I ended this exchange with feelings of resolution, freedom and peace, ready to move into my day!
1. Find a safe, quiet place, free from distractions, and take a pen, pencil or crayon and paper.
2. Think about the person or problem that is troubling you.
3. Imagine yourself as a young child. Try to choose a specific age, around 5or 6, for example. Any age you choose. Invite her (or him) to climb into your lap. Now begin with a question.
4. Using your dominant hand (the one you always use to write) write the question, "What are you feeling toward ___________?" OR "Why are you angry with ____________?"
5. Using your non-dominant hand, write an answer. (This gets messy. Doesn't matter. You don't have to be able to read it, and no one else is going to see it.)
6. Using your dominant hand, write a response. Ask another question. Continue until you feel you've heard what you need to hear, and then write an affirmation.
I used this tool this morning, because I've been having feelings of anger and resentment toward a close friend of mine for quite some time. I kept feeling that it had to be about something other than her behavior, because it never seemed to be clean anger, or clear emotion. It always felt confusing. Here's my inner child exchange (inner child in bold):
Why are you so mad at your friend?
She ignores me. She doesn't think about me or about what I need.
That reminds me of what your mother used to think about you.
And she likes everybody else better. She thinks I don't understand things. She has to hide from me because I judge her and am mean to her.
Why do you want to be mean to her?
She's bad and I have to be good.
Do you know that I love you even if you aren't good? I love you and you do not have to be good. I love you because you are you.
I know. But she doesn't.
What do you need?
I need to play. I need a home. I need beauty.
What does your friend need?
Love, love, love.
Do you love her?
No. I use her to make me feel better.
Can you think of a way to make yourself feel better?
I want her to need me.
What if I told you she does need you?
But she runs away.
Because she needs you. That's why. She needs your love. Do you know why she runs away?
Shame. She knows I don't love her. It hurts her.
Oh. How does that feel?
Sad. I am so sorry. I need to forgive her. I need to ask her to forgive me. I have to stop talking mean about her.
Yes, you do.
I ended this exchange with feelings of resolution, freedom and peace, ready to move into my day!