When the news first reached me, I had only questions. "How does this feel to you?" "What do you think it means?" "What are you willing to do? "
From there, my questions changed to, "How far reaching is this? How much will it impact my life? My sense of well-being?"
And then I received the news on an emotional level. Waves of sadness hit. Fear welled up. Anxiety. And anger. I talked until there was nothing left to say. And then I talked some more. When I asked my friend if I was being too caustic, she said, "No. Only wounded and fighting."
Yesterday I texted the two major players and asked, "Do you ever just open your heart and ask God to help you?" From one I received a backlash of anger. From the other, only silence. And somewhere in the midst of this, for myself, and in order to take a more contemplative, open stance, I turned to Mary Mrozowski's "Welcoming Prayer"--a form of prayer that is circulating through Thomas Keating, Richard Rohr, and others:
Gently become aware of your body and
your interior state.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
I welcome everything that comes to me in this moment
because I know it is for my healing.
I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions,
persons, situations and conditions.
I let go of my desire for security.
I let go of my desire for approval.
I let go of my desire for control.
I let go of my desire to change any
person, or myself.
I open to the
love and presence of God
the healing action and grace within.
Thomas Keating has this to say about the practice of The Welcoming Prayer: "Welcoming Prayer is the practice that actively lets go of thoughts and feelings that support the false-self system. It embraces painful emotions experienced in the body rather than avoiding them or trying to suppress them. It does not embrace the suffering as such but the presence of the Holy Spirit in the particular pain, whether physical, emotional, or mental. Thus, it is the full acceptance of the content of the present moment. In giving the experience over to the Holy Spirit, the false-self system is gradually undermined and the true self liberated."
Right now, at least in the present moment of my own life, I am trying to let it sink in that "somehow" this experience is for my healing. I am trying to welcome all persons involved, though I find that difficult to do. And I am trying to let go of my desire to change the situation. . .the hardest part for me. But I am trusting that this is a process, and that I will move through it to a place of greater trust, and peace. Joy, even. . .