Easter is about movement and growth. It's been a pretty interesting (near) month of Easter stirrings. Things are finally budding and blooming and bursting. There's some color, some fragrance, some light.
At last, the weather has warmed and I can be outdoors for an extended time. I probably spent five hours on the deck on Saturday. Another couple or three on Sunday. I'm trying to stay off the internet completely. Something about it lately has been draining. Email? Facebook? News?
I'm rereading one of Anne Morrow Lindbergh's books--War Within, And Without--her diaries from World War II. I was in my early thirties the first time I read this book, so my perspective has changed a great deal, on life as well as on the Lindberghs.
What I'm noticing internally through reading, as well as through the changes outdoors, is back to that thing that we know that we already know. Things don't stay "fixed"--not our feelings, not our lives and relationships, not even the way we view things.
Now, when I look back at what I journaled during Holy Week, it makes more sense than it did at the time I wrote it:
My experience of Holy Thursday is, all I can say, a mystical one, that cannot be fully explained or put into words. My "sin" is in the convoluted way I try to cover up. I have no clear idea of my own feelings and questions, tangled up in it all, or of my true motivation. How much deception is in my own heart? Who can even tell? If things are not worked though in me to a place of resolution, I guess they just aren't.
But the feeling on Holy Thursday was, "With all You have endured. . .YES, I want you to take this, too, Lord."
That is the core. That is the very nature of my relationship to Him--and perhaps the very thing I have never seen before--that I am not "good" but I am so loved. And the hardest thing is yielding ALL to that love. That is at the heart of my relationship to God--and the thing God wants--the part of me that does not want to layer more onto the Lamb of God, Who "shouldn't have to" take on even this.
Maybe this is ego--that I want to bring only "the good" to God, and hide what is not. Or hide what is perceived by me as not "good." Maybe this is what the prophet Isaiah was saying when he talked about "filthy rags" which can be so off-putting, but in a mystical sense is completely true. If Isaiah saw or felt it experientially, maybe this was the only way he could find to express it.
[I think, too, about the way the Church asks us to choose. To choose and choose! In actuality, the Church is always asking us to choose--the narrow way, the refining of what we are, while the culture uses it (the word "choice") so differently. In the culture, the message is "you can have it all, be it all, do it all"--in essence, "choose it all." Don't allow anything (like reality!) to limit you. No wonder we are frenetic and schizo and burned out. ]
And there's this: Marilynne Robinson said, "To think that only faultless people are worthwhile seems like an incredible exclusion of almost everything of deep value in the human saga. "